I read your story and I feel sorry that you have to go through such a state of suffering. I hope we all will get out wiser and more open to life and its simple beauty. A day feeling well is enough for me to be happy.
I too had never been affected by depression, anxiety or panic attacks until it hit me last October. The first one really scarred me but I too noticed a strange thing. Test it yourself when it attacks you. I noticed that I am not my body, I am not my thinking and I am not my feelings. My body was getting crazy and woke me up. I noticed it. But who is the one who noticed that? Not my feelings because they too freaked out. Then I noticed all these fearful thoughts….But here it comes….There was a witness to the negative and calming thoughts too.
I noticed a GAP a place of peace being the witness but not becoming one with the body, feelings, or thought. That space is me. I am breathing in it and staying low and let the stuff coming by, they thoughts, feeling and reactions. I see them like I am a bus driver and they are coming and going. Now that worked quite fine now in connection with the knowing that the heart is ok and I am not having a heart attack or something. But some of the turned wacky vegetative reactions are quite frightening. I noticed they only can pull me down if I believe thought patterns in future tense. If I only watch it but don’t believe and become with one of the thoughts I stay OK and concious.
The stuff which still gets me down is that I dont find a pattern or a battle plan, because I dont know if I have Candida, simply food allergies, IBS, Leaky gut or what I believe I have a too high production of histamin. I dont know anything but that my body is like a torturer slapping me and hitting me at random. That confusion is still getting the better of me.
I wish you all the best to your healing