I pulled this description from the website I posted. This describes me to a “T”… The way this person words it, it kinda funny, but in reality, it’s no laughing matter.. Read this:
Sludgy Steamer (not verified) — 01.25.2011
I’m so happy I’ve found a site where so many people have a similar problem.
The perfect poop, is big, hard, solid, and clean. It comes out like a torpedo vegas, strong and compact, slides right out, holds a clean edge on the back side, and doesn’t leave peanut butter on Rim Home Base. Sometimes even the first wipe is clean. Every once in a while I have these.
But more common is the diabolical million-wiper. Like a barn put together with Elmer’s glue, the poo lacks structure and solidity, and almost always breaks apart before being baptized. I find that once most of the brown bus has driven out of the station, it breaks off from the rest because of it’s own weight, leaving sticky, sloppy residue residing in the Bungular Oriface.
However, at this point, I cannot squeeze the frosting out of the tube. I push and push, but the most I can get out is a little tiny globular or two, which usually cling for dear life onto the local foliage before plummeting into the Great Beyond. The problem is I can still feel some sludge in the factory, but I just can’t get it out.
Finally I give up and attempt wiping. Not only does the sticky feces leave hard-to-clean residue around my holiest of holies, but when I wipe deep I feel like it’s just picking up slop from the poopie still inside my rim that I couldn’t shimmy out.
However, after a million wipes I can sometimes get pretty clean, and I have never had a problem with skid marks in my unmentionables or having to return to the scene of the crime before the next body dump.
But sometimes no matter how much I wipe, my poopy bum won’t stop giving me brown. In this case, which is pretty often, I hit the showers. Fortunately my shower head can be removed and manipulated, so I put it on “heavy massage” setting and fire in the hole. This almost always makes me feel much better and pretty darn clean.
I’ve had this problem for as long as I can remember, I almost never drop the kids off at the pool more than once a day, sometimes I go a day without. It gets very frustrating spending hours in the bathroom, having to settle with not being 100% clean, and sometimes wiping so much I chap and bleed.
I don’t know what to do. I only ever poop in my own home, and only when I’m in no hurry at all.
Other than this, I am quite healthy, though my diet is a little inconsistent. I’ve noticed my poop stays sticky even when I eat more fruits and vegetables than usual. My friend claims that almost every poop he has is a clean rod with minimal wipage required. I had only dreamed of such a possibility.
I am relieved when I have severe diarrhea because at least I know the poo will be too liquid to adhere to my kaboosehole and it will all go out.
How can I regularly achieve the magical clean hard poops that I so rarely and so gratefully deliver? How can I get to where I no longer dread squatting over the porcelain bucket?