Wow, sounds as if you are having a tough time accepting this. I think if you have had food issues most of your life, this can seem to be scary. For me personally, I had severe eating disorders between the ages of 15 and 22. I was anorexic, bulimic, fat, skinny…I starved myself and I binged myself silly. Food has always been something of an enemy and, even now, seeing it as a healing factor in my life is very challenging. The first few weeks of denying myself “normal food” was emotionally trying. I totally relate to your anxiety and it is understandable, given your history.
I am of the firm belief that our greatest challenges offer our greatest lessons. If you don’t surrender yourself to the challenge, you won’t learn whatever it is you are supposed to learn. And from your posts, it sounds as if you are making it very hard for yourself to have faith. I don’t mean that in a rude way, but as someone who was also so scared to be disappointed-again. (I have been trying to get doctors to believe that something was not right for the past eight years…I have gone gluten-free and dairy free without curative luck-and with a lot of criticism.)
But at some point, you just gotta bite the bullet.
You will have challenges, no doubt about it. My solution to restaurant eating to to consider only what i can have and in that setting I keep it simple-plain meat and vegetables. Whether it is a steak and steamed veggies or a bed of salad greens with chicken breast, keeping it simple makes it easy. I have found wait staff to be very considerate. If I simply say, “I am on a special diet and I can’t have any sugar, of any kind” that pretty much makes it simple for people to understand and comply with.
And accept that, while traveling, you will most likely have to pack food. We are heading to Rome soon (No pizza, no pasta, NO WINE-arrgghh) and, while I’m not looking forward to the food issues, I accept them as part of my life right now. One just has to suck it up.
Maybe starting the diet this week isn’t something you can commit to. Then don’t put yourself through the stress… When you have emotional issues with food, it takes a lot of mental energy to stay on track. Accept that, limit your diet while you are away (and you don’t want to have die-off while on a trip anyway) to cutting out sugars, chemicals and whatever else you feel comfortable with. Once you return home, and know that you have a good chunk of time to get into the rhythm, tackle it head on. But only sort of doing it is the same thing as not doing it at all…
And one good thing is that the diet really puts an emphasis on fresh food. Keeping that in mind might help with your fears of food poisoning. And have you checked the recipes section of the main website and the forum? There are also some options on Pinterest…maybe it would help you to start that way-thinking of all of the things you can eat, not the things you can’t.
Your weight sounds pretty low. Have you seen a naturopath and been tested for parasites?
Good luck to you and please take care of yourself.